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KING recruited worldly infant Stewie from Family Guy to answer your pressing queries. Sure, he’s only 1, but he’s already read Sista Souljah’s Coldest Winter Ever and has the Periodic Table of Elements memorized.
I am currently in Missouri filming my submission for Sundance and I keep visiting a bunch of old friends who’s closets look like pet cemetaries. Would I be doing society a good deed by throwing paint on their coats?
—Dominique Sweets
Dear Miss Gyllenhaal,
If, in fact, you really are submitting a film to Sundance, you should do society a favor and swallow that paint yourself. The last thing we need is another movie about a retarded photo-hut employee finding her voice through incest and interpretive dance.
I’m having a hard time choosing between Brown and Miami U. Though Brown probably boasts a few Rhode Scholars, the town is a social graveyard. What’s more important: social or scholastic achievement?
—Kevin Quayle
Dear Flounder,
I’d go for the education. From the sound of things, you’re not getting laid anyway until you’re well into your 30s and making high six figures. The only thing Miami can offer you right now is a toothpaste wedgie from the football team.
What’s good son? My born day is coming up and I don’t know who to kick it with. My wife got the crazy fatty and cooks a mean steak, but my girlfriend’s head game is like the bomb in the Middle East. What’s a playa to do?
—Quawan Ari
Dear Playa,
Maybe you should spend it with a grammar textbook? Hmm? How does that sound?
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Swizz "Don't Call It a Comeback" Beats provides monstrous soundbeds for KING's deviant sex scenes.
TITLE:
Pigs In a Blanket
SCRIPT:
Sparks fly between city slicker Kevin Hill and Billie Jo, a farm girl he meets while visiting his uncle Bob. She takes him back to her barn, and country loving ensues. After her orgasm, Billie Jo says she has a surprise, leaves the room, and comes back with a kinky, whip-loving friend: her pig, Bubba.
I would start it off with the guitar from Nas’ “Message,” and play that to the part where he meets Billie Jo. When they first start sexing, I’d put on “Not Gonna Get Us” by those lesbian twins from [Russia], t.A.T.u. When Bubba the Pig comes in with the whip, I’d want it to be funny, so I’d play the Pee Wee Herman theme, with those funny horns. Once the whip comes out, I’d play DMX’s “Party Up.” You know the pig is ready to get it popping!
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1
Advanced Forensic Science Lab DMX’s lawyers have requested another paternity test despite the conclusive evidence a 3-year-old Buffalo, New York, girl is his. Now, when the doctor brings in the same results, he’ll know why.
2
The Actors Studio: Comedic Acting Twenty years from now, X would look pretty silly playing a gun-busting tough guy with arthritis; time to broaden those chops.
3
The Prose of Donald Goines Since X starred in the film adaptation of Goines’s Never Die Alone, this should be an easy “A.” Gotta have at least one cupcake class per semester.
4
Accounting and Bible Studies If X decides to pursue a career in the church, this will be an essential class. Providing spiritual guidance to worshipers can become a burden come April 15. Just ask televangelist Jim Bakker.
5
Thug Phys. Ed. This pass/fail class culminates with a semester-ending test: 35 pull-ups at the traffic light, sprint from police and hop fences and benches while chased by pitbulls.
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