15 Comments Tuesday, October 21st, 2008
Man Law Amendments
Exploring the rules of acceptable masculine behavior.
What’s up, KING readers?
A few years ago, I sat with a group of esteemed gentlemen at the Roundtable of Greatness took part in a discussion that changed the world. The end result of that meeting of the minds: The 10 ComMANments!
Finally, the code to acceptable masculine behavior has been documented, voted on, and ratified into unofficial law. Here is a transcript of what became Grown Man Legislation after that night:
Thou shalt only covet your boy’s sister or mother secretly, but you cannot make any moves on them, regardless of how bad either one wants it. The agreed upon degree of separation for the family of best friends is that cousins are fair game. Anthing from a second cousin on is open season. First cousin, you should ask first and make sure it’s cool. Just out of respect. MAN LAW!
You are never to play slow jams in the car if there are only males riding with you. At least one female occupant must be in the vehicle. A car full of grown men blaring Maxwell’s “Till The Cops Come Knocking” is just WRONG! Imagine how uncomfortable it must feel to be in the car with your boy, and he’s singing “I wanna hold you….I’ll be your lotion baby, if it alriiiiight whoooooo! Gonna take you in the room sugar, lock you up in love for days!” Words cannot describe such horrors. MAN LAW!
If your friend is in a fight, you will NOT sit back and watch (unless it’s a one on one or family fight). Friends don’t sit back and watch other friends catch beat-downs. MAN LAW!
While the idea of totally slutting a chick out is sometimes fun, double penetration is the epitome of gay-friendly, as 2 man meats should never be within at least 3 feet of each other. That is too close for comfort, and accidents happen. The risk of wang-to-wang contact is too high. MAN LAW!
Men going to the movies with each other WILL sit at least ONE chair apart from one another. Knees must not touch. MAN LAW!
Whenever needed and however needed you must be the wingman for your boy. This includes gracefully bowing out when you’re approaching someone you want, but it’s evident that she is digging your boy and not you. It definitely includes showing attention to the undesirable lady with the pretty one, to keep her from ruining everyone’s night. If you have true friends, your act of selflessness will not go unnoticed or unrewarded. MAN LAW!
One man should never ride on the back of another man’s motorcycle…EVER! Call a cab or catch the bus if you have to. MAN LAW!
All men should be cautious of women with too much war paint. Understand that excessive makeup and club lighting are the Devil’s tools of deception. Whatever looks good in the club will not necessarily look good in the morning. MAN LAW!
No man shall take a dump on a toliet that has been used by another man within any time that the seat is still warm. This is considered a low grade sexual act. Basking in another man’s ass warmth is a slap in the face to masculinity itself. MAN LAW!
Men are only allowed to put the “Hands off” label on one chick at a time. If you have a main chick, then that’s cool…But don’t come to me bitching about your side piece having a change of heart and joining a new team. You know the name of the game. MAN LAW!
All compliments on attire between men should be as brief as possible. Let’s not dwell too long on how nice I look today. MAN LAW!
No man is to rub ANY substance on the body of another man. The only realistic exception is if you just pulled this fool out of a raging inferno and you have to treat his burns with butter. Even then, the man better at least have third-degree burns, and 911 better have you on hold or something. Otherwise, this can never happen. MAN LAW!
The sports butt-pat is hereby outlawed. I know it’s tradition, but it’s a stupid, pointless one. I’ve played sports all my life, and never once felt the urge to touch a man’s ass to congratulate him on a good job. That said, sports will thrive and endure without people touching each others’ backsides. The only exceptions are when it’s a co-ed game. MAN LAW!
When standing at the urinal, eyes will be forward or down at all times. No wondering of the eyes, ever. For that matter, no man shall talk to another man when said man has his dick in hand taking a piss. Conversation resumes at the sink while washing hands. MAN LAW!
See the original list at ListenToLeon.net
As you see, KING Magazine is the perfect place for you, the men of the world, to offer up amendments and new Man Laws. Here are a few that I would like to propose to you all today:
1st Amendment: Sandals are only an acceptable option when you are required to actually walk in sand. If you are not at the beach, then please leave the sandals alone. Wearing sandals out and about says three things about you:
1.) You are not whipping anyone’s ass tonight with your toes all out in the open.
2.) You can’t even run away from anyone in those things.
3.) There is a good chance that you like penis.
Just say “no” to sandals. Please exercise good footwear judgment.
2nd Amendment: Drink out of martini glasses sparingly. There is nothing wrong with a martini from time to time, but it’s hard to look very masculine while holding the glass. Try to drink those kind of beverages in moderation…And for Christ’s sake, do not extend your pinkie finger as you sip your cocktail.
3rd Amendment: A national holiday in honor of Al Bundy. This one speaks for itself.
4th Amendment: No pissing on the shitter. If you live in a community where toilet use is shared (a dormitory, for example) then use a urinal when you have to pee, instead of the regular toilet. If there are no functioning pissers available, then go ahead and do your business in a shitter. Just make sure that you either lift the seat beforehand, or clean up any errant urine that ends up landing on there. There is nothing worse than having to do #2, then going all the way to the stall, only to be greeted by a pissy shitter. So do not, I repeat, DO NOT, piss on the shitter. I’ve seen men die for less.
5th Amendment: If you sweat profusely, you are hereby required to keep your shirt on during pickup basketball games. Nobody on Earth wants to guard the sweaty, greasy guy, so it creates an unfair advantage. If for some reason playing with a shirt is not an option, then post up moves and boxing out for rebounds is officially against the rules for profuse sweaters. They are limited to perimeter play.
Let me know what you think of these amendments. If you would like to propose any amendments of your own, leave them in the comments section.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 21st, 2008 at 5:46 pm and is filed under Columnists, Fine Sh*terature. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.